- Sitting at a dirty table: I know I am not the only waitress out there that has this pet peeve. When someone leaves, I go to clean the table they were at as soon as I can. Our busboys are also the dishwashers, and they make the lunchtime buffet dishes. They get busy. That means, if the restaurant is packed, I will clean it as soon as I run these food orders out and pass the coffee pot around. That’s about two minutes of wait time. I’m pretty sure you can probably wait that long, especially when you’re standing right next to a basket of menus, and a pile of newspapers. Read an article, then sit when the table isn’t covered in crumbs, coffee, and dirty siverware. Having to navigate around you, and your kids, and your purse and phone and menus while trying to wipe down a table is not fun, and I don’t appreciate you making me do it.
- When I ask what you want to drink, the answer is not any of the above: “Menu” “I’d like the #4” “Steak” “A shot of jack” or “Can I just sip on you?” All of these are incorrect. The answer should include a beverage on our menu, not a meal, or something you as a customer know we do not serve.
- Unwelcome or strange sexual innuendo: Okay, I’m going to level on this one- I as a waitress generally welcome sexual innuendo, crass jokes, or you pretending to read my shirt (when in reality you’re staring at my tits). THAT’S TOTALLY OKAY. The times I don’t care for it include extreme jokes, and sexual invitations. Please don’t ask to lick my nipples, or to have me take my shirt off. It’s def not happening for the amount of money you currently have in your wallet.
- Bitches stealing my plates: Bitches be stealing my orders. Seriously. If me and another waitress have a #2, and my ticket is with the plate, and yours is still over by the grill, it’s my goddamn order. Yours is still fucking cooking. I should not have to wait for yours to come up so my customer can eat. Wait your goddamned turn you skank bitch.
- Big wallet = Small Tip: Them. The ones who obviously have enough money to eat here and leave a nice tip- but they stiff you for no reason other than “we don’t tip”. Why the fuck don’t you tip? Do you believe waitstaff like giving you six goddamned lemons for your ghetto lemonade? Do you think this is a hobby, and not a job? Do you think we get paid at least minimum wage? Because we don’t. We get paid peanuts, and your tips are what makes it possible for us to survive. By not tipping, you are cutting into my wages- kinda like if your boss decided that despite the fact you’re doing a great job, he’s just not gonna pay you. Yeah, that’s what you just did. Go fuck yourself. Next time we come in, I will refuse to serve you, and none of the other waitresses will either. You’ll just end up sitting there for the next hour- with no food, no drinks, and no service.
- “Scrambled wit’ Cheese”: These words are burned into my mind forever. I hate people who order it, and I hate the fact that, to me this is a mental marker that these people will either tip me nothing, or will tip me a dollar for an order longer than my forearm. 99% of the time, the cook forgets the cheese, I have to run into the kitchen and add it before taking the order out, and by the time the cheese is in any way melted, the plate is hotter than the sun. You want to know why I have half-moon burn marks on my arm? BECAUSE OF YOUR SCRAMBLED WIT’ CHEESE EGGS.
- People who lie: Yeah. I hate liars- especially people who lie to try and get free food. Case in point: One guy calls in and orders five things: An omelette, an order of steak and eggs, two ‘skillets’, no veggies, and one skillet, add steak. I ring it up, confirm the total, confirm the order, confirm their telephone number, and then send it to the kitchen. When it is done, I prep it, double check everything on the ticket (because they’re known to complain), add cutlery, condiments, and ring them up to the same total I gave on the phone when they come in. Everything is fine when they leave. An hour later, we receive a call.
Guy: I didn’t get everything in my order.
Me: Your name is xxxx, right?
Me: You ordered an omelette, a steak meal, two skillets no veg, and one with steak. That comes to $26.72 after tax, I confirmed the price with you on the phone, and confirmed the order when you picked it up. I wrote down your order, I took it to the kitchen, and I packed it up. You’re not missing anything.
Guy: I was supposed to have three skillets.
Me: You received three skillets. Two no veg, one with steak.
Guy: No, I was supposed to have another no veg skillet.
Me: Sir, I was the one who took the order and confirmed it with you. If you’d like to order another, we can have it made in a few minutes. It’d be about $5.50, and you can come pick it up.
Guy: It was supposed to be on the order I made before!
Me: Sir, You called, confirmed the order I read back, and got your total of $26 and change. You never mentioned three skillets.
Guy: Well, that’s too expensive for what I got! You rang it up wrong!
Me: The omelette is $4.25, the steak is $4.99, the two skillets, no veg are $4.99 each, and the steak skillet is $5.99. That’s $25.21 before tax. I am the one who rang you up, along with writing up and packing up your order. The math is correct.
Guy: If you don’t fix this, I’m never coming back again!
Me: Sir, every time you come in, you call back to complain about your food. If you don’t want to come back, that’s your prerogative.
Me: Thanks for calling [name redacted], my name is Kamonra, how can I help you?
Girl: Yeah, my friend came in the other day and got her food, and it was messed up.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry about that. What was the name on the order?
Girl: Uh… Sam.
Me: I don’t see a Sam here on our credit list. What day was this on?
Girl: Uh… I dunno.
Me: What was the order?
Girl: Uh…… -click-
Yeah. Don’t bother trying to scam me. Unless you’re really smooth, I’m not falling for it.